It's My Life

2009-10-31T23:45:00.003+08:00

help!

i'm totally and utterly unmotivated.
the intensive 1.5 weeks of the massive overhaul of my introduction really took everything out of me. it's been a week since then, and i've not done a thing - it's as if i've gone backwards progresswise.

sigh.. gotta get myself going again, and pace myself properly this time. else i won't be able to tank the 62 days i have left.

2009-06-20T22:21:00.007+08:00

sometimes, life just feels utterly stressful. there's so much pressure coming from all over, i just wonder when i'm just gonna burst and splat all over the place

i really wish that i can just give it all up. press the reboot button and start afresh, with everythin up for grabs.

on some levels life is just ultra miserable. especially where school is concerned. all the unnecessary stress and distraction and roadblock i face everyday is really such a big big big big pain.

sigh...

2009-05-19T22:51:00.003+08:00

Angels and Demons
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
X-men origins: Wolverine
Star Trek
Departures
Watchmen
Gran Torino
Inkheart
Slumdog Millionaire
Wall-E
The Dark Knight
KungFu Panda
Bolt
Madagascar II
Valkyrie
The Mummy III
Iron Man
Mamma Mia!
Burn After Reading
The Changeling
Australia
The Day The Earth Stood Still
Seven Pounds
Yes Man
Bedtime Stories
Marley & Me
Push

Movies I've watched on big screen in 2008 and 2009 thus far. Some good, some not bad, some soso and one totally horrendous!!

2009-05-18T00:09:00.002+08:00

random thoughts of the week...

more and more people are being utterly emo these days.

there's realy so much shit falling all over the place. maybe that's what making people over-emo.

i seriously seriously seriously need to buck up and finish up in lab. just gotta suck it in, and get the stuff done and over with. no more slacking (easier said than done), and just do it.

and i really gotta get fit agains. i certainly do not like the way i am now. if i don't do somthing about it, it's gonna get worse. and by then, it'll be even harder to get back on track.

sigh.. gotta get over this state of lethargy before it's too late. sometimes i wonder, if my life didn't take the turn that it did, would i be in this situation now?

2009-05-14T21:50:00.001+08:00

sometimes, i wonder...

is it me who isn't keeping in touch with people?

or is it people who aren't keeping in touch with me?

or both sides are at fault??

2009-05-11T22:19:00.006+08:00

so ko samui didn't happen... simply give up on going anywhere in thailand in the near future. but these more than made up for it

i wish i didn't have to leave Bali... but ah well, vacations come to an end, and i must be suffering from severe withdrawal syndrome till i'm down with a cold and NO!! IT'S NOT SWINE!!!!!

2009-04-19T22:53:00.002+08:00

survived another hiking/walking trip. didn't dieded this time around, but super tired. but at least i felt good. a nice way to end a lousy week. so lousy it annoys the shit out of me.

nowadays i don't even feel like talking to people. everyone just annoys me, somehow or another. superstressed kid for being eternally indecisive, noob for being emotionally unstable, emophd for being whiny over the littlest of stuff, qce for being extremely irresponsible and the list goes on. everyone seems so steeped in their own problems, forever complaining about all the stuff troubling their existence, dragging me into all of it until i am too damn exhausted to deal with my own demons. when will finally see that my presence in their lives to deal with their problems??

2009-04-12T23:30:00.002+08:00

life is so unpredictable, sometimes.

just 4 months ago, our bangkok trip was cancelled due to the closure of the international airport in bangkok. and we took off to bali instead. now, it seems that our ko samui trip over the labour day weekend is once again in doubt, should the trouble in bangkok spread nationwide. bali again? or are we just gonna give up? this trip, like the december one, was something that was i was looking forward to for the longest time. please please, please don't cancel again!

this piece of news kinda brought a solemn closure to a eventful weekend. a friend, someone whom i considered to be a dear friend, decided to fly kite, without telling anyone that she's flying kite. how rude/irresponsible is that? ya, so there were plans to meet up, and family troubles cropped up at the last minute, but apparently some people just don't have the decency to tell others that the meet up was cancelled. i sometimes wonder, why i still consider this person a friend.

meanwhile, yesterday finally went for easter virgil mass after years of not attending one. it was fun, and an experience to take away, especially when it was different than usual.

todae decided to challenge the weather and head over to macritchie for a hike. half died halfway, but proud to say i survived it! really gotta build up my stamina. it really sucks now. after the torturous hike, headed to amk hub for dinner, after which $150 was spent on a tuna puff. A tuna puff worth $150. how crazy is that??? in the process of hunting down the polar shop, numerous sidetracks occurred, that resulted in the purchase of scrubs season 7 ($50), my necklace ($44), dude's cross ($44) durian puffs ($10) and finally, finally the tuna puff ($2). siao rite?!

2009-04-12T15:30:00.001+08:00

i always find a postcard that resonates on postsecret... i so totally geddit

2009-04-05T23:53:00.002+08:00

every other day, i wonder.. when the bubble will burst.
and when it does, will i blame myself?
i try to remind myself, to not to think too much, but sometimes, it's just so damn hard.

every morning, i don't like getting out of bed, because it means going to school it's not that i hate school, i hate the environment that i'm in.

i don't dare to jump into the pool, for fear of drowning.

when i ask myself "what have i done?", i feel shitty when the answer is "nothing". it's even worse than "somthing bad"

2009-01-31T20:18:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder...

why am i so different from the rest? we're the product of the same education, shared the same lifestyle all the way till we hit 17. then after that, we ventured on our own paths. yet, why is it that the paths the rest have taken seem to be along parallel lines where as mine veers off tangentially from the supposed norm?

not that i'm complaining that it's bad to be different from the rest, but.. everyone seems so steeped into their own lives now, with their significant others, with their kids, etc and here am I, back at home, supposed to reunite with family and friends, but stuck at home, with a migraine, and all the friends i rang out of boredom is too busy to come out and play. visiting with husband/wife la... taking care of kid la... waiting for gf la... so here I am, bored on the 6th day of CNY.

then again, is my own company with the ever cannot make it internet better? or is getting "trapped" in baby and housing talks better companions? sigh...

life goes on, people move on. but somehow i'm still stuck, not in the schooling years of long gone, but just stuck where we were 6-8 years ago, single and still having fun. or maybe i was a late bloomer, always have been and always will be.

2009-01-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

it feels like the CNY spirit is dying..
people are making less of an effort this year...
it seems like the fun and enjoyment is no longer there

or maybe it's just me
starting to wonder if it's really worth all the trouble and expenses..
what has happened to me that makes me enjoy it less?

2009-01-08T00:54:00.002+08:00

would anyone believe me if i say that i hate MSN? in spite of all the conveniences it offers in keeping in touch and communicating with others, i sometimes really wish MSN doesn't exist.

yea, i'm emo-ing. i'm entitled. everyone's entitled. GAH!!!

2009-01-07T20:09:00.002+08:00

it happened. it finally did. there's no more playing blur and ignorant anymore. all the cards have been placed on the table. the ball's in my court... i think. the question now is, what the heck do i do with that damned ball? throw it back? keep it? or just walk away from the court?

that damned curse is just staring me in the face. part of me is just terrified that it's just a matter of time before it bombed. and i honestly don't think i can survive it if it happened again this time around.

286 - the magick number

2008-12-28T22:27:00.002+08:00

Today, in a sense, to me at least, is a special day. Today, I'm 28 years and 6 months old. 28.5 - halfway through. And coincidentally being born on 28th June, that's another 28-6. So yeah, it's a one in a lifetime kind of day.

Looking back, there's been many ups and downs this year. But at least for the 2nd half, I really can't complain. I've done so much more than I probably ever did in the last 28 years preceding that.

I got my SMF scholarship, which gave me more financial freedom.

I went to my 1st ever concert - Eason's. Gotta say it's really worth waiting for.

I visited a grand total of 5 countries - France, Belgium and UK in July, Indonesia (Bali) and HK in December. That was a total of 9 plane rides (omg.. so environmentally unfriendly)

I was reacquainted with 2 great guys with whom I spent a great deal of time having fun with.

I paid more visits to the cinema, watched some really good shows, and a couple of lousy ones; threw in a movie marathon at that!

I had lots of alcohol (not a good thing).

I went white water rafting, despite not being able to swim, and got scared silly to tears but it was fun!

I had my hair cut really short after oh so many years of keeping it long.

I started reading again.

I would have survived 3 years of grad studies in 3 days times. But, I became more and more disillusioned and lethargic at work. It's time to really rediscover the passion for research and chemistry.

I can only hope for the next 6 months of chapter 28 to be as eventful and somewhat fulfilling as this 1st 6.

2008-11-05T00:10:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder.. how long will i be forced to wait before i find that happy ending.. i am sick of just waiting... maybe i should do something.. but WHAT???!!!

you know hwat they say... good things comes to those who wait.. BUT...

and yet.. if i come to the happy ending so soon, what comes after? epilogue? a damn long ending?? or just nothing?

life's such a chore sometimes.. i'm so frustrated, so tired.. so.. constipated emotionally. sometimes i really wish.. there's some1 who will understand, who just gets it.. but people are just telling me, i'm being an idiot, i'm over reacting, i'm being overly emotional, i'm being everything but rational..

so yes, i'm overthinking it. that i admit.. but i only overthink something that's extremely and utterly important to me, so there! IT'S IMPORTANT enough to twist me over and over again. and i can't function when my mind's all cluttered with all shit. work sucks. personal life sucks. everything just sucks.

2008-10-28T23:27:00.003+08:00

i overreacted (not in experimental terms).

yeah, i know i tend to overreact in certain situations. but if you were me, if you were in my shoes, would you do it any differently? maybe i was wrong, or i went overboard, maybe i will regret it one day, but that's just who i am. one of the many nuances that makes me, me.

and life does suck. on the outside, many would say i had a lazy day in school. those who knew what was going on, would agree that it is one of the lousiest day any grad student could possibly have. one scoop and one potential scoop(not talking about ice cream here). all in the space of a few hours. that's 2 official and roper scoops in the last 3-4 months, without counting that potential scoop that would've just thrown my work in the last 1.5 years in total shambles. so there. forgive me if i'm crazy these days. if i'm an emotional wreck. if i experience roller-coaster mood swing. i don't like who i am right now. i don't want my life to be this way either. but how the hell am i gonna get back up on track, when every time i try to get up, i get shoved right back down again?

i keep telling myself: once the 14 months are over, life will improve. but where's the money back guarantee? it doesn't exist. life can take a nosedive tomorrow. don't have to wait till 14 months from now.

2008-10-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

they always say.. 'you can run, but you can't hide'

how true it is... sigh....

2008-10-13T23:34:00.002+08:00

I know this is a dificult decision to make, but life’s full of difficult decisions, and this is just one of them. Ultimately, its what you want for yourself that matters, and remember, no regrets!!

i can tell people that, but it seems like i can't quite heed my own words. life-changing decisions suck! they suck big time!!!! putting me into such an awkward position that i really don't know what to do. i am really stuck as in what to do next. this has been bugging me more and more for the past weeks or so until right now, i feel like i can go insane from it. i wish, i knew which way to go and just make a choice and move on.

2008-10-13T00:59:00.003+08:00

what have i done?
what am i doing?
what do i do next?

i'm stuck here. it's always a matter of the mind versus the heart. and while they fight it out, i'm falling deeper and deeper into shit. right now, i'm feigning ignorance, but just how long can ignorance shield me from the realities of life?

i've always listened to my heart, and see what happened those times i did. i tell myself it's high time i listened to the head instead, but.. there's always that annoying 'but'.

sometimes life's such a joke. i used to say i'd never do this; i'd never do that (advice of the practical mind) ..but i ended up doing it anyway (actions of the frivolous heart).

as always, so many questions, yet no answers. at these multiple crossroads, i need to choose the path to amble along, and the options seem to get harder and harder as time goes by. and i never seem to learn from past mistakes, for some reason or another. the naivete in me always, always hope that maybe one day, it will be different, but it never is.

2008-10-12T21:16:00.002+08:00

there's so many things in life i wanna do. but the problem always seems to be time.
sometimes i wonder, is it because i'm just really swamped with school? admittedly, if i fully utilise time in school, 6 hrs a day is enough to finish the day's work. i procrastinate too much. i don't use my time efficiently. imagine if i did, probably half of those thing in the list may have been accomplished. or will i just spend all those extra time twiddling my thumbs, being too lazy to get off my ass?

will a post-graduation me have more things for all those stuff in life?

2008-10-07T15:53:00.001+08:00

wrote an email to one of my kids. apparently she loved it. heck, i loved it too!!!

the trick now is to actually listen to my own words, heed my own advice. easier said than done, unfortunately.

anyways, here's the mail

I know this is a dificult decision to make, but life’s full of difficult decisions, and this is just one of them. Ultimately, its what you want for yourself that matters, and remember, no regrets!!

So, if after rethinking, you wanna go for it, just do it!!! No matter where you are, always know what Singapore is a phone call away(albeit a bit expensive). Or a facebook away.. or a msn away. An experience, be it bad or good, is still an experience. But if you decide to stick to your decision not to go, then don’t. Stay.

There are more than one path towards achieving your dreams. Maybe the next boat will be better. Just that the future is uncertain, you never know when the next boat will come, and whether it’s gonna be 1000 times better, or 1000 times worse. Life will be so boring if we can predict the future.

So anyways, good luck! And remember: NO REGRETS!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-03T23:53:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really don't know what i'm doing.

i know i shouldn't be doing certain things, yet i do it anyway, for purely selfish reasons, knowing very well the consequences.

when will i ever learn, to not court trouble?
when will i ever learn, to listen to my mind for once?

momentary joy and pleasure, that lead to a lifetime of regrets, is it really worth it??
can someone please, please, please knock some sense into me??

2008-10-02T23:09:00.002+08:00

a little more than 33 months ago, i did my 1st ever rebonding. that was just prior to starting school in NTU.

now, 33 months later, after reaching the 2.75 years milestone, i went for another major 'hair surgery'. in a way, it was just the change of tides that i've been looking for. i actually felt happier, lighter and more motivated to work. and i was in a darn good mood today my kids must be shocked!

now, there's 15 months left to go, till i reach the end of this journey. whatever the next 15 months may hold. i hope to remember this day always. cos it marks the beginning of the end. by hook or by crook, by 31st december 2009, i will be out of this hell-hole.

reality..

2008-09-29T19:58:00.003+08:00

reality.. it is so much interesting than living a happily ever after.

how true that is. without all the curve balls in life, happily ever after is just boring... so why do we complain so much when things don't go our way?

then that little voice of cynicism pipes out, there is no such thing called happily ever after, hence everything and anything is more interesting than something that doesn't exist.

whatever it is: dreams, realities, happy endings, sad endings. what matters most (as people would say) is what you learnt at the end of the day out of the good and the bad and the horrific of the decisions you make in life. i just hope i made the right decision this morning and did the right thing, because i am already regretting.

prelude?

2008-09-29T11:19:00.003+08:00

over the weekend, while lying in bed nursing a fever and sore throat, i was browsing through some of the pieces that i've written over the past year. one of them was a dream put into words.

sometime earlier this year or late last year, i had this dream, it was so vivid and clear, it stayed with me for a couple of days so i penned it down. reading back now, i am somewhat shocked and terrified by some of the parallels that dream has with my life right now. the exact words, the exact acts may not be there, but the scene is somewhat eerily identical. it was almost as if the dream was a prelude to the present day situation. it's unnerving, scary and not very pleasant, because that dream is supposed to stay a dream and not become a part of reality. and even if it does, it is involving all the wrong people!!

the winner takes it all...

2008-09-29T10:29:00.003+08:00

I love Meryl Streep's rendition of this song. It sounds so poignant and real. But I can't listen to this song - it brings back memories of a time long past. Yea, it's all in the past, I've gotten over it, but the memory lingers. Sometimes I wish life isn't so closely associated with music.

2008-09-28T10:10:00.002+08:00

i hate taking meds. they taste horrible; they're a hard pill to swallow, literally. and they give me adverse side effects.

people say, pop a pill, go to dreamland and let the drugs do their magic. i say, pop a pill and prime myself for anxiety attacks. the hearts beats faster and harder, keeping me wide awake and my mind actively churning no matter how tired my body actually is.

maybe i was awake the last two nights because i slept too much in the day. but then it's all a vicious cycle. can't sleep at night, therefore i sleep in the day, therefore i can't sleep at night again.

so yea.. i hate medicine.. and i hate doctors. and to think i wanted to be one.... thank goodness i never made the cut.

life is a joke sometimes..

2008-09-27T19:51:00.002+08:00

dun get enough sleep, migraine...
sleep too much, also migraine

dun drink enough water, sore throat...
drink too much water, diarrhoea

lessons of life

2008-09-26T11:46:00.002+08:00

ultimately..

you can't force people into doing what you want against their own will..

you can only hope and pray that they have the sense to listen to you and do it your way

**
did that make ssense? or am i on a babbling roll?

2008-09-22T23:23:00.002+08:00

i finally found my real life's calling

when i grow up, i wanna be like meryl streep, ageing like fine wine, better with age.

how can she be soo fantastically staggeringly awesome?

i love her.. and i love pierce brosnan.. and i'm starting to love colin firth..

i'm so stuck on mamma mia!

and i'm so high right now. even alcohol can't induce this stage of highness in me! whoopee!

this is one fine movie to lift up dull spirits.. that's for sure

2008-09-18T22:51:00.003+08:00

if anyone were to ever suggest clapping at the end of a vid clip, i'd call them crazy, lunatic, whatever.... but that was exactly what i did just moments ago.

i swear, this is probably the best night i've had in ages. watch it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo, especially the end. yeah, i know.. this has been around for ages, but i believe in destiny. it's all a matter of timing. if i saw this a year ago, i wouldn't have appreciated it as much as i did today. maybe this was the light at the end of the tunnel that i have been dreaming of, longing for. to simply end this period of uncertainty of where to go and what to do. and now, i know what to do, when i am down and depressed.

this line i love: the best gold is at the bottom of the barrels of crap.

cheers to that! now i need that book. it has just gone from the must read to the must buy-and-read-many-times-over list

what a difference 10 years make..

2008-09-17T23:49:00.002+08:00

10 years ago, i would have been prime target for conmen, steeped in all the innocence that was me. today, i'd be the one pulling all the con acts, being street-smarter, and jaded and cynical of life that i am.

10years ago, i imagine that today, i'd be married with maybe a kid or two. today, i can't possibly imagine surrendering all that independence and tying myself down to 1 guy, and popping babies by the year. what the heck was i thinking back then?

10 years ago, i thought that i'd be happy and settled with a job that i love, a life that i enjoy. today, i ponder whether i've chosen the right field, the right country, and even the right life. is this what i really want? if yes, then why am i so dissatisfied with the way things are?

10 years in a life time.. so long yet so far... what will the next 10 hold? 10 years from now, will i still hold on to the same ideals and dreams? will i be living my dream? all i pray for, is come what may, i'll be happy.

HAPPY

2008-09-15T22:30:00.000+08:00

it suddenly dawned on me..

in an entry not too long ago, i listed places where i wanna go in the next couple of years..

i can't believe that i've actually missed out one of the most important places!!!!! IRELAND!!!! i'm sooo sorry...

acts of stupidity

2008-09-15T22:08:00.002+08:00

2 + 5 = 8

tapaoed dessert, shoved it into the freezer. the next day: cheng tng frozen solid.

plugged in laptop power cable to the power point, turned on the power, and 10 mins later, laptop went into hibernation mode, cos i forgot to plug the other end into the laptop.

pushed the door when it says pull, and pulled when it said push

i am such an idiot, and not just sometimes. it's all the time. imagine if the kids in school knew. my reputation would be thrown out the window and they'd throne me the sotong queen. i probably deserve a phd in blurness more than in any other subject.

what to do...

2008-09-15T22:00:00.002+08:00

what to do.. what to do.. what to do???

i can't say no forever
i can't hide in this shell forever
i can run but i can't hide
heck! i'm sick of running in the 1st place
but i dun wanna take it face on
aih.. when was i ever a coward?
rather.. when was i never a coward?!

quizzing time

2008-09-14T23:18:00.002+08:00

Did the personal dna quiz again today.
My personalDNA Report

did it probably a year ago.
My personalDNA Report

I've gone from a considerate experiencer to a generous experiencer. and apparently i'm exhibiting both increased masculinity and feminity.. now that's a contradiction!

there are certain bits and pieces which i agree with, but there are others that just make no sense.. let's just take it with a pinch of salt.. or maybe drink it with honey, without the salt

2008-09-14T12:50:00.001+08:00

i promised a friend that i would try to write occasionally, to sharpen the pencil and not lose the edge so to say. but it's gotten kinda annoying that whenever there is the urge and inspiration to write, i'm not near stationery, or a computer. that sucks. and trying in on the mobile phon just gives me a big headache because of the T9 dictionary.

am i making excuses, or are things really not going my way?

2008-09-11T15:58:00.002+08:00

sometimes i don't know whether it's a curse or a blessing that my 'antenna' is working just fine. things now seem to have entered 'phase two' but all i'm really waiting for it the moment to do the 'KILL'. shucks.. sounds like running NMR.

2008-09-09T22:46:00.002+08:00

just so tired...
tired of the one lousy experiment i need to kick start the project. one lousy experiment that has refused to work 10 consecutive times, making me doubt myself, my skills, and my train of thoughts. what the heck did i do wrong? was it really my fault? the solvent's or the chemical's?

i need an answer.. because all of these is driving me nuts and giving strength to that naggy inner voice that's telling to just give it up already. pack up and cut the losses.

maybe i really need to perform some cleansing ritual... or maybe it's the stink of the people from the lab next door that's contaminating my lab environment..

ARGH.. i really don't know what to do any more.

10 attempts. and all 10 times.. fail
i've got a limit to accepting failure.. and i think i've hit it

2008-09-08T21:55:00.002+08:00

all i am gonna say...
i've heard it all..
i may be 'blur' but i am not..
my intuition has never failed me when i choose to listen
and i'm listening loud and clear

so i'm shouting out now...
some things are just not meant to be
simply put, i'm just not interested
all i want is a good time, no strings attached
so let's just stay friends
and not ruin the lovely relationship
by throwing in a dose of complication
as smooth and suave as you are
i'm sorry but you're just not the one

this is just the ugly fate.. of the one who believed that if she ever had a past life, she was an evil mother-in-law (only tu-di will get this).

wasted

2008-09-07T22:48:00.002+08:00

a wasted week.. of failed experiments...

a wasted weekend... of migraines... and lack of food and sleep..

i can only hope... for the coming week to be better..

identity crisis....

2008-09-07T22:23:00.003+08:00

who am i?

am i the sweet, nice, innocent, insecure girl hiding in a shell shrouded in a pretense of cunningness, evilness, meanness, sauciness, overconfidence?

or am i one full of cunning, evil, meanness, sauciness and overflowing with overconfidence, but hiding underneath the layer of a sweet and nice person?

or do i have dual-personality? am i a foxy minx or a guileless puppy? am i angel, the evil spawn or angel, the innocent?

so which is the dominant personality? and how can i fault people for not knowing the real me? when i myself don't know who i am??

2008-08-31T17:04:00.002+08:00

friday's event was a total waste of time. wasted time away from lab. that wasted me so much that i skipped a drinks session that resulted in 2 half-drunk/almost drunk guys ringing me past midnite to tell me they're really upset i wasn't there. i'm sorry guys.. but.. it was a really lousy day..

i'd rather go to schoool and work, and then join them. but it was for the sake of some extra cash. and then, technically, despite missing lab, i was paid to be out of lab. so...

some statistics about the event

- 25 recipients this year
- 7 are female
- 13 are from you know where
- 1 is a chemist and another a physicist (the rest are engineers or life sciencers)
- the first question everyone want answered is who the supervisor is (like you know who my boss is, or like i care about who your supervisor is!!)
- only one familiar face that i recognise - my senior from school

2008-08-29T23:59:00.002+08:00

i've been told.. rather. i've been diagnosed (by a non-medical doctor, by a non-doctor, for the matter) to be suffering from this disease called QLC - quarter life crisis...

for more info see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

ah well... even the internet can give a diagnosis nowadays..

2008-08-21T22:59:00.002+08:00

was so bored.. i went out to buy a magazine.. any magazine... and came back with Cleo..

so i was browsing and browsing.. and came across the words: Are you sleep deprived?

it says.... and i quote 100%: did you know that staying awaks for 18 hours without sleep has the same effect on you body as drinking about 2 glasses of wine?

the first thing that came to mind was.. OK! going 18 hrs without sleep is HARMLESS!!!

err.. what rubbish?!

2008-08-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

todae i was on my way out of school at 8+pm

some1 asked me for the time.

my hp said 2030 so i told the fella: 1230.

he was shocked.

then he said... that's bangkok time..

i shrugged..

he said.. do you mean 830?

me: oh crap.. yeah.. sorry.. 24 hr clock just kills me...

sooo embarrassing!!!!!!

忘记

2008-08-18T18:31:00.001+08:00

忘记三个月过去忘记你的消息
忘记忙碌的白天忘记有多空虚
忘记每个纪念日忘记要去哪里
忘记失眠的黑夜忘记我有多恐惧
忘记每次呼吸忘记每天想你
忘记每一秒都在自己骗自己
如果我真的可以忘记我们的过去
这世上只剩你唯一明白我背上7的秘密
忘记你常说的话忘记你的微笑
忘记你在我怀里忘记从前多好
忘记熬过来以前忘记每分每秒
忘记你走了以后忘记你变了多少
忘记上次呼吸忘记上次想你
忘记上一秒还在自己问自己
这世上除了你谁会明白我背上7的秘密
如果我真的可以忘记所有的过去
这世上只剩下你唯一明白我背起就是你
...忘记忘记...

我很想很想忘记... 可是还忘不了...
如果我真的可以忘记... 日子会更开心快乐...

2008-08-17T23:35:00.002+08:00

if i make a list of things i want to achieve in the next few years, will i actually do it?

i want to see sunrise on mount kinabalu
go laze at the beach in bali and maldives
fly to phuket for a weekend getaway
ski in switzerland
see the pyramids
go to rome and venice
go abu dhabi (for some random reason)
see niagara falls

i wanna go bungee jumping, skydiving, parachuting etc before my heart and guts fail me
learn a new sport
pick up a new skill
going for a movie on my own (it's a psychological thing)

and a whole lot more.... ambitious but.... lovely dreams that may one day become a reality.

2008-08-17T21:20:00.002+08:00

as i watch badminton finals, losing hope as the moments go by, LCW looks more and more and more like my taekwondo coach from a lifetime ago. i still remember, what a huge crush i had on him back then. the coach, not LCW. looking back now, it was so embarrassing.. i was what.. 14? 15?

whether it was that influence or it was simply the sport itself, i really loved TKD despite the bullying i used to get from the guys but as the years went by, the opportunity to take part in competitions came. 4 times i took part at state level competitions, 4 times i crashed out at the quarters, 4 times just missing a medal. sooo annoying!! .

probably the greatest regret i had was that i never got my black belt. failed the test the first time (that was my 1st time failing anything, come to think of it, it was my only time i failed a test). i had already registered for a retake when s'pore and the AUG beckoned... so.. it was all abandoned for a better education. hmm.. maybe i should... go back.. relearn the sport from step 1 and achieve that goal, and clear that regret.

2008-08-16T22:39:00.003+08:00

have been feeling restless and dissatisfied recently. the feelings seem to be amplified ever since i came back from the 3 weeks break in europe.

there are just so many things in life i'm not satisfied with. it just feels like i'm just wasting the days instead of living it to the fullest. maybe it's time to really evaluate what i want out of life, and what i really need to do to get out of the slump and be happier. to simply get out of the monotone and comfort zone.

you know there's something seriously wrong when i start going to school on saturdays just so that i have something to do. and this week is like the ultimate. it's a 4 day work week essentially... and yet, i'm in school six days. how crazy is that?

i seriously need a life.. something like picking up a new sport, finding a new activity to do, or even just new people to hang out with. maybe i should make a things to do before i hit 30 list.

2008-08-16T11:23:00.002+08:00

i've always been a closet fan of msian badminton over the years... probably because of the influence of my dad.

but anyways, yesterday evening, i was keeping track of the men's singles semis match between Mas and Kor. Mas won the 1st, Kor the 2nd. So the 3rd was the crunch. But I had to take off for dinner in town. When I left school, the 3rd had just started, but when i got onto 179, it has ended!! Either I waited really long for the bus, or it was a really fast match.

Desperate for the match, I texted a friend for the results:

Me: Still in office? Can help me find out the results of the match?
Reply: Lee won.

My initial response... YES! Then... 5 seconds later..

Me: WTF!!! Trying to be funny is it? Both are Lees!!!!

But, anyways, Mas won. so while everyone around me is ecstatic that Singapore has an assured medal, I'm more interested in Malaysia's hope. At least this one guy is a true blue born and bred fellow countryman! So.. gambatte!!!

2008-08-14T01:10:00.004+08:00

as i was typing the previous post, trying to knock some sense into my insensible mind... two songs played back to back. 晴天 and 7. it just hit me. maybe i was just too tired from fighting with a unuser-friendly word template. or maybe i was... nostalgic.

every time 晴天 plays, it reminds me of that undefined period with no beginning and no ending. sometimes, i believe i still seek closure. and until i get the 'The End', answer to the WHY, it will never really be curtains down.

7 is a reminder of all the sadness and hopelessness of the past (and even present) that i wish i can forget, to let go and just move on. but memories.. the harder you try to forget, the more it stays around.

and guess what is playing now? 路...一直都在. it's time to really just let go, and look to the future. and time to go to bed

foolish...

2008-08-14T00:53:00.002+08:00

iced is such a foolish girl..
angel is full of foolishness...
of lessons not learnt
doesn't she realise that
no matter how many times
history repeats itself
she makes the same mistakes
over and over again..
and the only one getting hurt
is none other than herself?

when will she ever learn
to make the right choice
the right decision
to listen to the wise practical mind
and not the whimsical heart?
when will she ever learn
that dreams and fantasies
are just a figment of the imagination
and not part of reality?

the fantasy burns bright and hopeful
but in reality it will never be
it will lead to only pain and dejection
to a soul already so scarred
a soul that has already lost hope and faith
that the one miracle she seeks
seems further and further from reach

so my dear girl, wake up
wake up from this dream state
and face the realness of life
that it will never be
what you hope for it to be
diminish the false flame
and just move on

2008-08-11T11:38:00.002+08:00

sometimes friends just say the wrongest things. things that can just flush a friendship forged over almost a decade down the drain.

what did i ever do to warrant such a treatment? such crudity and rudeness? just because we've known each other for so long doesn't mean you've the right. it hurt. it really did. you almost made me cry. just because we're old friends doesn't mean you can cross the lines. you've overstepped the boundaries. ultimately, i'm a gal. and contrary to belief, to how i usually present myself as the tough cookie, i do have feelings.

i may be brutally honest until people mistake it as being mean. i may appear overconfident until i scare people. i may crap a lot with you guys without inhibitions. sometimes it makes me wonder, do you really know me in the first place? who i really am, and not just what I portray myself to be?

whatever it was. something that should've have been said, be it as a joke or not, shouldn't have been said. now the sole question remains... will the friendship remain intact?

2008-08-10T20:05:00.002+08:00

last weekend i could take it no more. i did a large scale spring cleaning of my room. threw a lot of things out (still have a lot but.. ). and suddenly i realised that there was this nice space just behind the door. about 50cm wide and 50cm deep. just nice for a new bookshelf.

the moment the bright idea for a bookshelf lit up, i knew i was in trouble again. 1st, i'd buy a bookshelf. then.. what is a bookshelf without books? so, i'd want to fill it with books. so that, and the bookshelf, requires $$$$.

but anyways... i started thinking about all the books that i could buy to fill the bookshelf. thus, today i ventured out to bookshops. and almost cried. all the books, fiction, non-fiction, comics, magazines etc etc. are freaking expensive!!!!! one one hand, they will be good investment... on the other... it's not as money is raining on me.

SIGH.... maybe i should've have spring cleaned... wasted a whole afternoon wiping and mopping, and another lusting after expensive stuff.

2008-08-10T00:53:00.001+08:00

this time of the year is always a reunion with the hall folks; it makes me wonder, have i changed since then? not just physically but socially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? have i grown up somewhat, or am i still still stuck in 2000?

i think that i'm just overthinking a lot of things. it tends to happen a lot around this time of the year. i think so much i get a headache. all the what ifs of life.. or the paths not taken... GASP?! or is this what they call quarter-life crisis??!!! or what i call a One-third life crisis?

SHUCKS!!!

lessons learnt this week...

2008-08-10T00:33:00.003+08:00

i learnt that i can no longer function properly after 3 days of lack of sleep. 6 hours spread over 3 days simply makes me a bit senseless and a bit of an airhead who can't hold conversations properly and conduct a presentation professionally. it also reduces me to a babbling idiot, as many were witness to last friday.

i learnt that having the honours students in lab are a big distraction... big big big distraction regardless of whose students they are - they always come and talk to me about anything and everything. and that takes time away from actual work.

i learnt that as time goes by, the love of one of my greatest passion back in hall is dying a slow death. i don't seem to enjoy float and rag day as much... and the only reason i went back this year is because of the people who went back.

i learnt that my mind and heart are never on the same accord. that no matter which voice i listen to in any matter, it always seem to be the wrong one. i really can't seem to trust my own judgment anymore.

i learnt that many do not see what's lying underneath the shell. that i'm always misunderstood. maybe it's how i portray myself nowadays.. but how many people actually know the REAL me?

i learnt that i'm not as fearless as i'd thought i was. or maybe in the absence of objects to fear, i'd simply just forgotten that there are things that spooks me. the first being the he-who-shall-not-even-be-named.. a person from the past who apparently can still instill horror in me. an encounter earlier in the week gave me chills.. and the subsequent discussion on just how psychotic this person is.. gave me a sleepless night. and after watching sweeney todd on a 19-inch lcd.. i'm still reeling in horror and cringing at the gruesomeness. all the throat slitting just grossed me out.. and the ending.. eeks. thank god i'm not a guy - i'd never look at a barber in quite the same way anymore. thank god i'm not a fan of meat pies - they could've be made from human. and thank god i didn't watch it big screen!

i'm not invincible. i am vulnerable after all. but i must still say.. johnny depp is good.. no make that GOOD.

2008-08-09T16:31:00.002+08:00

I have this really 'classic' friend..

5 of us were at HV for dinner and CC flew kite.. this converstation was over the phone via SMS.
B: You coming?
CC: Where you?
B: Still at HV having coffee.
CC: Who's with you?
B: The usual...
CC: What are you doing?
B: Having laa!!
CC: Oh.. leaving soon?
B (to the rest of us): If we're leaving soon, jio him for what?
CE: CC what.. what do you expect?
B: We'll be here for a while. Wanna come?
CC: See first.. maybe later.

At this point all of us just sighed in resignation. Half an hour later, someone else messaged him.
CW: Ehh.. so you coming or not?
CE to the rest of us: he's gonna ask.. where u? doing what? going where? with who?
Sure enough..
CC: Where you?
CW: Still at HV. maybe do drinking later. So you want to come or not?
CC: Drink where?
CW: Town?
CC: Who's going?
CW: the few of us here now loh..
CC: Oh... see first. when are you leaving?

At this point, we didn't bother replying anymore.

And more recently...

CE: eh.. wanna watch dark knight tomorrow?
CC: why tomorrow not today?
CE: Err.. because it's now 1130pm?
CC: Oh...
CE: So.. 830pm at The Cathay. On?
CC: Why 830pm and why Cathay? Why not Cineleisure?
CE: Cos the rest can't make it at other timings??!
CC: Oh... but Cineleisure?
CE: Time.. time...
CC: Cathay... where is it? Brb... I go check map first.
CE (to me in another window): He's driving me nuts! Can you go tell him to just say yes or no to the movie before figuring where the place is actually at??
Me: Err.. you know him...he's classic!
Me (half an hour later): So.. has CC decided?
CE: Still checking map. !@%!$@$%%^#@!

and this is what happened today
CC: what are the results from yesterday?
Me: TH won OSA creativity, SH cheapest, KR sapu the rest.
CC: TH won OSA?
Me: Yeala... F1 float... OSA has no creativity.
CC: But we won last year.
Me: Last year they had great taste!
CC: So we never won anything??
Me: *sweat!!*

and we survived hanging out with this guy for the last what? 8 years? and even up till this day.. he remembers me for the bawang... i can only be thankful i wasn't the bawang girl...

2008-08-03T23:12:00.001+08:00

i need inspiration..

i've got the itch to write..

i've got the ending...

but no beginning or no middle...

i need ideas...

but only the ending is vividly played out in my mind

help!!

2008-08-03T17:02:00.003+08:00

sumiko tan's column last weekend highlighted the 'plight' of the singles. this weekend, you see the responses to that piece of writing. she either got shot by the married ones or gained support of the singles who agreed wholeheartedly, because in a way, we, the singles are marginalised - can't buy a house, can't get extra vacation time, etc etc. (no need to ask which side of the coin i'm on)

why am i bringing this up? cos in the part one year, i've actually had two marriage proposals (three if you include the one in paris, but that's totally irrelevant to the topic). these were made in jest, but it simply highlight our 'plight'. we are sick of renting or living with family/relatives and just wanna strike it out on our own. you know, to just have a place we can call our own, to do whatever we want, to have it the way we want it. to turn it into our dream home.

it makes me wonder, have anyone actually really gone ahead with such an arrangement? to marry a friend, or a stranger even, so that the union can be used to buy a home? no love/feelings involved. is anyone that desperate?

on a more cynical, depressing, degratory.. i don't know what's the correct word for it, how would you feel if you're in my shoes, at the receiving end of the proposal? that i'm good enough to be a partner in assisting you to achieve your dreams... but not good enough to warrant the real deal? disclaimer: not that i want the real deal with either one!!

2008-08-02T19:16:00.003+08:00

i think i've lost another confidant, that i can't seem to talk to you anymore. because i know, whatever i say will no longer stay just between us. so i guess that's it then. we are still friends, of course, just that my dirty secrets are longer yours to hear.

maybe it was me who took the first step apart, or maybe it was you. i don't know.. but, sometimes that's just the way life is. you've got yours, i've got mine. life goes on, and we move on...

2008-08-02T14:56:00.003+08:00

sometimes all it takes is for a phone call to rekindle forgotten dreams..

the dream home. the dream life. the dream career. THE DREAM..

dreams that were drowned out in the reality of life.
dreams that became more and more farfetched as the days fly by.

and even as i think of them with a tinge of regret, i can't help but feel that the opportunities are still there for me. but will those chances stay just as bright?

right now it seems like everything is bad timing. i've just officially tied myself down for the next 1.5 years with a signature. whatever i want right now, that veers off track from that signed path, will have to wait another 1.5 years.

what happens then? will i throw away what i've strived for the last decade, and pursue THE DREAM? or do i continue living life the realistic way?

once twice thrice

2008-07-31T18:41:00.002+08:00

if something 'wrong' happens once, it's an accident..
twice.. it's a habit...
thrice or more, it's a fetish..

so, will there be a twice or more?
only time will tell

2008-07-29T17:22:00.002+08:00

is there ever any hope that someday there will be a place for people to be who they really are? a world without pretenses.. no forced smiles simply because it's easier to be who they are not, to fit into society's definition of normal... to suffer in silence to avoid looks and questions that only bring more pain..

when can one just be? to be accepted as who they are? to be seen as what they are? and most importantly, to be accepted as is, no questions asked?

how often..

2008-07-27T01:38:00.002+08:00

does one get the chance to have a prolonged 1-month long birthday celebration?
to fly halfway around the world to see places she's never seen?
to visit places she's only read of in books?
or saw in movies and documentaries?
to touch and walk in buildings which are more than 5 centuries old?
to get some sun out of the lab?
and to simply round it all up with a 2.5 hr concert of one of the possibly best male singers in the world?

the monetary value of it all may be steep... but overall? it's priceless!!

best of BOSS

2008-07-22T06:54:00.003+08:00

i think some of the best moments of ghent have got to be when i'm drinking beer and other forms of alcoholic drinks. and i'm so glad i've got drinking buddies which were really found by chance. all it took was an encounter in the lift that went along the lines of 'excuse me, are you from china?' from a vietnamese guy who was part of a german group...

the highlight has got to be the 2nd last day. in the space of 24 hours, i've had more alcohol than i've ever had in the past year. and it wasn't as if i was alcohol free in the past 1 year either. have got to admit, got a bit tipsy after the wine reception on an empty stomach after 4 glasses, but after dinner, there we were at it again.. this time with beer.

and i tell u... belgian beer's probably's the best in the world (they say german beer is better but gut tells me belgian's gonna win hands down) i seriously miss belgian beer already, especially those that i've had in UK so far simply inferior.

oh yea.. i'm now at jen's house.. after spending 3 nights at ping hua's.. he must be damn glad to get his bed back. haha... oooh.. and i think i finally got a mini-tan.. after half a day at the beach... how sorry is that? to get a tan in uk? when all the ang mohs go to sg/msia for a tan?

BOSS day 1

2008-07-14T22:23:00.003+08:00

first day of conference today....... been obediently sitting and listening without falling asleep while pondering when exactly i can escape to explore ghent and make a trip to bruges...

co-ed bathrooms and toilets are... something to get used to. and it's freaking cold here.... lowest it hits is i think 15 degrees, hottest is 21. so.... for someone who's expecting full summer (think 23-30 degrees) and not used to 15 degrees, it's freaking COLD!!! imagine last nite and this morning... i almost didn't want to shower, simply because it was so cold!!!! even now my feet and hands are like half frozen.

if i said the french men were very friendly, the belgians are even more friendly... or maybe it's just because a chinese gal is a rarity in this parts of the world. i get stares, lots of it simply because of how i look. but anyways, while wandering around brussels, i got approached just for a chit chat so many times that i kinda got immune to it.

and i bought lots of chocolates!!!!! omg.. when i saw the bill.. i could have fainted.. and now i'm carting lots of chocolates around simply because i've got more places to go.. if i see those chocs cheaper anywhere else other than brussels, i swear.. i will scream!!!

and oh yes!!! mussels!!!!!! i;d thought paying 16.50 (~$40)euros for mussels was way too much... but when i saw what was served to me was humongous it was fit for two!!!! the mussels were smaller than what we get in SG, but what was lacking in size, they made up for it in quantity!! imagine this - almost 100 mussels per serving, and fries included. that, washed down with raspberry beer that actually didn't taste like cough syrup... that was such a wonderful savoury moment... i could die happy right then and tehre..

gotta go..last session of the day is about to start soon.. dun wanna miss it... ciao......

edit: back! after the last session and a feast of beer and cheese... not a good combi especially on an almost empty stomach. after the mussels fest yesterday, i didn't have dinner - still bloated and too full. no breakfast provided this morning either.. and guess what was offered for lunch? sandwiches, and there wasn't enough to go round so i wasn't really filled up... so now a bit gong-gong - more like dizzy. i can still walk straight and all, but i think i'm going to get a migraine, no thanks to lack of food and sleep.... so decided to come to the computer room to chill awhile before heading back to the hostel.. or back to the beer party... or out to town...

updates from brussels

2008-07-14T01:58:00.002+08:00

still very much alive (thank God!) despite all the adventures and misadventures. nary a day goes by without some stranger approaching me to chit chat. and one proposed and asked me to elope with him to spain after like 2 mins of talking to me.

yesterday was a super soi day - missed a bus through no fault of mine. i found out that the later bus i was on was filled with ppl who missed their earlier buses no thanks to the metro leading to the bus terminal that was down! then because i was so frazzled with missing the bus and all the hassle it created, i was so blur i lost my money pouch. no... it wasn't pick pocketed. i think i just dropped it!!!! ARGH! lost about 100 euros there... thankfully no IC, no passport etc in the pouch... i think i'd really have cried then... almost did when i missed my bus...

other than that lousy day, there rest were great. paris was fantastic. amazing. and on my first day suaku me got a shock of my life. it was supposed to be night time, but the sun is still up! yea..... like i said.. SUAKU!

been doing all the touristy stuff for 1 week now - spent quite a bit of time getting lost and all. the moment i stepped into paris i was already lost. at the airport. then again, when i reached the metro stop nearest to the hostel, again was lost. well, in short. Lost all the time. despite a map and all. once i got paris figured out, or kinda.. it was time to leave.. and today, was a get lost day in brussels. and tonite.. get lost in ghent...

tomorrow the nerdy part of the trip begins. provided between now and then, i don't get dragged off the streets and robbed or something. the local men here scares me with their friendliness... at least those in paris just ignores me... most of the time.

will find time later to update in details exactly what i did.... if i can get hold of a pc again.. meanwhile..... muackss!!

2008-07-07T03:03:00.002+08:00

when things go wrong, or don't quite work out in school, sometimes, it's good to just go to the theatres and let fiction and graphics rule. and i think i really need friends who will drag me to the theatres once in a while. nothing takes the blues away better than a flick with well-placed punch lines and random bits of corniness, so you can look back and laugh at it.

come to think of it, i need to just go chill sometimes. but, more oft than not, it's hard to find someone or a group of 'suitable' people who share and enjoy the kind of stuff that i do. let's say.. drinking... there are 2 extreme groups of friends.. one that can't drink at all without embarrassing themselves, and the other bunch who drink and party away till the sun rises. movies.. not many appreciate the kind of subtle dark humour that i enjoy. sports.. the usual sports gang seem to have just disintergrated into pieces, like humpty dumpty. going on quick breaks/vacation.. again the problem of finding one with the same outlook of an ideal getaway.sometimes, i really wonder, is it me? or is it them? or have i just not found a niche group, or what i call kindred spirits, to quote from Anne of Green Gables.

the wonderful plan i've mapped out for myself some 10 years ago.. somehow never did quite materialise. and thus, i'm on plan B. because, it's the best of the other alternatives. yet, sometimes, i wonder, is this the correct path? or have i, once again, chosen wrongly? and yet, if this is really the wrong path, why do certain things seem to just simply fall into place careerwise? then again, isn't my personal life suffering? then again, it isn't much of an improvement from the previous one. then again... then again.... then again, i should go to bed. before i concuss 2moro.. and suffer again..

leaving on a jet plane...

2008-07-05T12:53:00.001+08:00

in approximately 60 hours, i'll be on a plane to paris.

i'm so not ready

and to top it all up.. i'm down with a freaking cold!

what wonderful luck... sigh...

poor gal... literally poor gal

2008-07-03T01:22:00.003+08:00

in august, i'll have to pay $4k+ for tuition and misc fees. include the $3k+ i've already spent for my conference, and the $Xk i'm gonna be spending during the conference. add the $1k debt i just paid to my dad, i've got a huge $10k+ hole in my pocket. there goes all my savings from the past few years. i wonder how long it will take for me to earn it all back again.

i am poor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think it's time to seriously begin the hunt for a sugar daddy. my 'pay increment' ain't gonna come into effect soon enough to tide me over. sobz

2008-06-29T22:39:00.002+08:00

the last few days have been so crazy there are almost unrealistic. it hasn't quite registered, the fact of it all.

there's the unbelievable good news. there's the really horrid weekend. there's the surprise. there's the disappointment. but let's for once just dwell on the good stuff. they're so much more worth babbling about than the ugly bits.

in short.. i've just gotten a 'pay rise'. while it still doesn't entitle me to apply for a credit card cos it's not a proper income.. but still.. getting so much more than when i first started 2.5 years ago... it's simply mind-blowing! how much more? a 'mind-blowing' lot more! whee!!!!!!

gonna focus on the dollar signs and not think about all the other lousiness..

$$$$
$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$

2008-06-25T21:50:00.002+08:00

3 days to batam...

12 days to europe.......

30 days to eason's concert.....

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-15T23:31:00.002+08:00

why is it so typical of human nature to want what you can't have? and when you get it, most likely you take it for granted and not appreciate it for what it's worth?

why can't we just take what we have and appreciate it fully? instead of wanting more, more, more?? instead of saying that it's not enough, and demanding for extra helpings, when will we ever learn to really just give thanks for what we have, especially that we are already more privileged that half the world?

enough of the melancholic sunday night musings.. time for some updates..

i officially declare that hamilton sucks, big time. can't see a red light, and chose to bang into dear kimi to tak him out of the rest instead of taking someone else out of contention.

i also officially declare that PH has lousy tastes in both men and women. how could he be such a great fan of hamilton? who is nothing but an insolent, spoilt brat.

i officially declare that my friends don't know me well at all. today, in the space of half an hour, a particular friend exclaimed twice. "wah.. you're actually smart!" i was so tempted to retort, "have i been projecting the image of being dumb in the 8 years that you know me?"

i officially declare that another fella has weird tastes in women. maybe i don't know her, or something, but she's like so on a different wavelength, or quoting another bloke, she's on a totally different plane. but that again, that 1st fella and i were never exactly on the same wavelength in the first place. well, good luck to both of you!

i officially declare that i'm depressed at work. maybe it's due to that time of the year where the building is crawling with undergrads everywhere i turn, until they cause so much disruption to work that i've actually been doing hte wrong things, or doing nothing at all, resulting in boss pressuring me to work harder. sigh... now he's subtly hinting that unless i buck up, i will have to extend my studies by half a year... wtf! all these annoyances where from him in the first place. sigh...

i can't wait for july 7th. to just get out and chill. go on a holiday and absolutely and totally forget about anythin remotely related to school. i just can't wait. time to start the clock ticking. time to just let go and do something crazy. i realise that where i am going is not my dream holiday, but at least i'm getting there...

Personality Quiz.. not another one

2008-06-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
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You scored as Logical/Mathematical

You like to work with numbers and ask questions. You learn best by classifying information, engaging in abstract thinking and looking for common basic principles. People like you include mathematicians, biologists, medical technicians, geologists, engineers, physicists, researchers and other scientists.

Logical/Mathematical

86%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

75%

Intrapersonal

61%

Visual/Spatial

61%

Verbal/Linguistic

61%

Interpersonal

36%

Musical/Rhythmic

2008-06-05T18:15:00.001+08:00

so lost and lethargic of work... just so tempted to simply let it all go... i seriously don't know if i can continue on for another 19 months.

this is what i see day in day out... and it's driving me nuts

this is how my boss drives me nuts...

this is how chemistry makes me insane

2008-06-03T22:26:00.003+08:00

there's this hole.. this emptiness. this void...

that i wish i can just fill up..

but i know... it will remain empty, unfulfilled.....

when will the day come, when that emptiness will become a sense of fullness?

until that day comes, i will continue to hate sunday nights

Happy Anniversary

2008-05-28T15:46:00.002+08:00

1o years ago, 8 of us came over from Malaysia to what was then known as HJC. A combination of the suaku, blur and worldly (I was the suaku kampung girl.) 10 years on, so much had happened. We graduated fr HJC, went on to uni, work and so forth.. some left SG, some stayed. and i'm no longer a suaku kampung girl.

It struck me at lunch today that it's been 10 years, so i changed my MSN nick to: "10 years in sg todae.. omg.." GL msged me shortly after and said 'WOW'. The last time we actually chatted must have been like a few years ago. Then he told Kenneth, who added me to MSN -yes! i didn't have him on msn.. and never did!

anyways, today is a good day. Before today, everything really sucked. That was one of the reasons why I was so quiet. Undergrads being the main reason, projects being the other.

Eason's concert is on 26th July while I was supposed to still be in Europe. Suddenly everything became clear. I'm now pushing my holidays 1 week earlier just for the concert!! And right now I'm super duper extremely excited I can't work! Haha.. but I don't care. Although with the recent change in direction of my project, I was motivated to work.. til I started talking to dear Tu Di on MSN... ooh ooh... I'm going Eason's concert with dear Tu Di!! That's like a double dose of excitement! I really hope I can sleep tonight.

So yeah, today is a really good day.

And happy anniversary, you 7 fellas!!! 10 years ago, it was a day of sadness, cos we were all 'forced' to leave home for the sake of our future. 10 years on, it must've been the rightest decision. Cheers!

2008-05-08T23:16:00.002+08:00

been out of some of the uni mates since chiobu was back in town. it's good to be hanging out together again, although this time around, the gang has shrunk in size... sort of...

gotta admit, the few outings we had really made me miss the good old times. the goofiness. the nonsensical yakking.. and i do wish we can hang out together more often. but at the same time, i understand that it's hard. 4 guys and 1 girl + 2 guys when they show up. all the other females have kinda 'disappeared' especially after breaking up with the guy. it only struck me that i'm the only gal who wasn't in the 'girlfriend' gang. at least they've not kept me out of the circle.

yet at time, these guys break my heart.. albeit unintentionally. there's one guy.. well, maybe 2 guys.. are chasing after skirts who must be below a certain age.. it's sounds so superficial.. of course, not that i'm wanna be with them - know them to well to know that it would be a disaster, but still, it does one's ego a lot of damage to know that guys her age prefer girls so much more younger. makes one sigh in resignation while making herself more comfortable in that dusty corner of the shelf marked 'too old'.

sometimes i wonder, do they actually treat me like a girl or not? or am i just one of the guys? should i be glad that only one out of the lot is trying to fix me up with a guy? then again, he's trying to nudge me toward the other single guys in the gang... which is annoying. annoying cos it's a futile effort. i think it was already understood that all we are ever going to be are friends. friends who've seen one another laugh and cry and divulge in embarrassing acts. it makes me wanna ask tho... 'if you're pushing me to them? are you also pushing them to me?' one fine day.. i did ask the question.. and he mistook it as one of them actually expressing interest in me. i give up. women are really from earth and men from the moon.

meanwhile, just gonna stay positive and survive all the curve balls in life. these past few weeks seem to be filled with disaster after disaster that i'm just dead tired of dealing with them. both at work and personally. i do wish i can have the space to just breathe. cos it's suffocating me.. sigh.. it seemed like. my salvation, altho a temporary one, will be more frequent outing with the goofballs who's suddenly made it a point to try get me drunk just to see how stupidly i'll behave in front of them.

2008-04-29T23:04:00.003+08:00

being on mc for two days really sux. i'm so bored i could cry. and the weather is just so damn warm! i sweat just sitting doing nothing. sigh...

what did i do? sniffed a lot. blew my nose a lot. coughed a bit. stared into space a lot. migrained a bit. tried very hard to sleep, but couldn't quite sleep - blame it all on the work tt's piling up. sigh...

it's a total waste of two days. three.. if i include sunday... sigh..

2008-04-27T21:48:00.000+08:00

good news.......... kimi won again... whee... alonso n hamilton can go eat dust!

bad news.......... what the heck happened to his head? looks like someone took a razor to it and shaved him bald!!!!

2008-04-22T21:56:00.003+08:00

time to start planning for the eurotrip.. and screw everyone else...

high likelihood of skipping UK to have more time to do other things. can't quite decide to go Italy or Spain as yet. even better if i can go Ireland.

a list of what i really hope to do:

chocolate tasting/eating frenzy in Belgium (die-die must do)
beer-tasting in Belgium
Eiffel Tower, and Louvre (gotta dig out that copy of Da Vinci's code) and follow the 'Holy Grail'
visit a real 100% authentic medieval castle
Smurfs at comic strip museum

optionals:
wine-tasting in France
visit the Vatican city in Rome

argh.. so many things to do I don't even really know where to start! help!

2008-04-21T12:08:00.003+08:00

am i pissed off? of course i blardee am. who wouldn't be

and yes, i am still pissed off. from upset to disappointed to pissed off. and i don't need freaking idiots to ruin my day further.

i hate my friends sometimes.... rather, so-called friends. dammit. do nothing but really screw my life upside down.

i'd never expect to be this hurt... to just weep the whole nite and even right now, fighting off tears as i work. fuck. just fucking wonderful.

wish i can just scream and release all that pent up frustration.

maybe it's just about time i learn that i should just put i, me and myself first. screw everyone else, cos apparently, few, if any, ever do take me into consideration when making decisions, so why the hell should i do likewise?

and it just goes to show that the person who can hurt you the most is the one whom you trust and rely on the most... so in future, i should just trust myself, and screw the rest of the world.

2008-04-20T23:00:00.003+08:00

just when i thought nothing could go wrong this weekend... shopping and eating... and being happy, for once... no thoughts about work whatsoever... it just got ruined big time

ultimately it all boils down to this... the only person you can count on is yourself. nothing could be worse than being disappointed by a very good friend, and one whom you thought you could count on and put all your hopes on. to get screwed like this, sucks big time.

there goes my enthusiasm and excitement towards the trip to Europe.

2008-04-16T18:02:00.003+08:00

stop complaining you've got tons to do and get on with it already. what do you expect when you've done nothing since the start of the year, to qoute yourself?

some people.. really.. DUH!

2008-04-16T09:56:00.002+08:00

On one side of the causeway, you have a government that welcomes foreign workers with open arms, up to the point where the locals feel that they are sidelined by their own country.

On the other side of the causeway, the government is trying to get rid of foreign workers.

What the heck sia..... then again, when you talk about foreign workers, are you talking about the professionals- managers, CEOs etc? Or the factory/construction working class?

2008-04-13T23:40:00.002+08:00

i really do hate people with holier-than-thou i'm-better-than-you attitude. they just think they're of a much higher status than the rest of us common folks although they're in fact no different. they just piss me off, but unfortunately, i'm stuck with them.

meanwhile, i'm out of anime and tv shows to watch, and out of games to play. an attempt to restart maple kinda just flopped, the extreme lag just turns me off. now i am in serious need of new entertainment

an attempt to go shopping for clothes resulted in me coming home with just socks. sigh.

and i seriuosly need to start exercising. am starting to put on weight... argh!!!!

2008-04-11T18:23:00.003+08:00

29 experiments in March. That's an average of 1 a day.

25 thus far in April, 11 this week and 14 last week.
It's no wonder everyday this month I'm just dead tired.

Ah well, welcome back the normal me?

2008-04-10T17:14:00.002+08:00

boss isn't in today.. and guess what?

at 955am, i'm the earliest in the lab today.
also, for 2 consecutive days... the amount of time i spent in the lab is probably more than the total amount of time the other 4 did.

am i the good student for carrying on as usual, without supervision, or am i the stupid one, for working so hard when boss isnt' around to see me work?

2008-04-08T16:09:00.002+08:00

"I'm gone till Monday... so I'll leave the lab in your capable hands"

With this he left. And I'm like.. CRAP! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Boss is away for the rest of the week. I just hope, everyone leaves me alone to work in peace. And by everyone, I mean, the group people, other grad students, undergrads, other faculty members, staff, sales people, vendors, etc etc etc who may have dealings with my boss. Because really, I'm just a lowly grad student, not a PA, or PR officer, or liaison officer or wadever. I'm a student!!!!!

The rest of the group people are planning to skive the week away. And I'm like.. see? He's not even gone and they've already started! Then again, on a brighter note, with them skiving, I'll actually have the lab to myself. And maybe, maybe, then I can work in peaace and come up with some uber fantastic results to wow the scientific community worldwide ( yeah right! wishful thinking!!)

Formula Uno!!!

2008-04-06T19:41:00.004+08:00

The F1 is back on track! Whee.. this year promises much more excitement, and it showed, right from the first race. There's no need to question who I am supporting - the one and only Kimi Raikkonen.

Melbourne 2008: season opener. A challenging race for Kimi, and yet he still managed to secure a lone point despite starting from almost at the back of the grid. At this initial stage, one point is really better than no points at all. A race that started with 22 drivers and only 6 cars finishing.

Sepang 2008: A boring race for Kimi maybe, who led from the 1st pitstop onwards, with hardly anyone challenging him. Plenty of drama behind him though... but 10 deserving points nonetheless

Bahrain 2008: Am typing this as I follow the race. Lousy start by Hamilton, then accident with Alonso ( 2 guys I just can't quite like, the 3rd being Massa). When LH started badly I was.. OH YEAH... when he crashed into FA, I was like.. WHEEE!!!!!! only 10 laps down.. and definitely lots of drama. Hope Kimi will finally overcome the Bahrain jinx and win it!

update: i'm back at the end of the race.. still no win, 2nd place this time ard.. but we have a new championship leader! wakakkakaka....

why don't i like those 3 guys? LH is overrated, Massa is unspectacular, and FA simply yong-soi!

it still amazes me how fast the go from chequered flag to prize presentation. Kimi looks simply adorable as always, and Massa's balding!!!! muahahahah... Sometimes, I think the only reason I hope that Kimi wins is so that I can see him on the podium. Somehow he never suffers from the flattened hair helmet syndrome.

till the next race in Spain....

why?

2008-04-06T17:49:00.002+08:00

why is it that when experiments don't work, work piles up trying to troubleshoot?
why then, when it finally works, work piles up cos it opens up a big avenue for exploration? such a paradox! sigh... driving me nuts. it's gonna be a miracle if i can graduate in 1.75 yrs time and yet maintain my sanity. now i know why phd = permanent head damage.

why do people call folks like me a no-lifer? is it not possible that school right now is my life and my whole life? does having a life require me to paint the town red every weekend? what's wrong with just chilling at home, recovering mentally and physically? and spending the odd hour at church giving the kids tuition?

why are some people just so incompetent, and always require me to come to the rescue? Can't they manage without me without screwing up? it always end up with me going to clean up the mess, and wasting half my day. it's a wonder i get work done at all. it's no wonder i've been packing in 10 hr days in school.

why is my desktop dying? and how do i resurrect it? such a pain in the ass! argh..

why are some people classified as poor, and yet can still afford some of life's luxury? like fashinable clothes and mobile phones and cute stationery? are they cast offs from charity or are those items now considered essentials in life? The kids i see at the SVDP tuition classes come in really fashionable attire, with expensive pens and pencils, and some own mobiles.. and yet, the family receive monthly ration from charity? is that like.. a new definition of poor?

why do society shun the mentally disabled when at times, they're just simple, decent people who are just, not smart enough to be considered normal? last weekend, Yvonne invited me to join the SVDP outing to a home for the mentally handicapped. common perception is that these folks are totallly useless, and yet, some of them amazed me. One guy, David, actually flirted with me, asking for my name and calling me pretty. He then went on to discuss the American Idol show at length. He could name all the top 12 contestants - something I can't although I watch the show weekly. He asked me if I knew why Amanda was kicked out. I erred and ahh. He replied, it's because she didn't have enough votes. True! simple but correct. And I'm embarrassed. These people, in general, know about David Beckham and David Copperfield. They dance, they sing, they cheer, they love taking pictures, they eat and drink and know how to be merry. If anything, despite me being half dead that day, I was glad to be reminded that, in everything, there's some form of normalcy. and that things don't have to be so complicated. that day, we brought some cheer into their lives, but i'm sure, they brightened up ours as well.

why do people not bother reading news? don't you think that as we train to be PhD graduates, we should at least keep up with the headlines? not to say i know every teeny weeny detail about what's going on in the world, but at least i skim the headlines. some people don't know that there's an uprising in tibet, or that inflation's getting worse. and yet, they are super up-to-date about the latest journals and papers. I mean, when we graduate, are we supposed to be expert in our field, and that's enough, or do we need to know the events around us as well?

as always.. so many questions and no answers... it seems that as i progress with this phd.. i am asking more and more questions.. without getting any answers.

roller coaster

2008-04-04T00:21:00.002+08:00

hit a high at school today. things are finally seeming to look brighter.

yet, technoligically i got screwed.
desktop died.
earphones died.

for now, desktop is temporarily ressurected.. but.. sound card is busted. sigh

2008-03-31T17:46:00.002+08:00

my office wish list:

1. pillow
2. mirror
3. stress ball
4. endless supply of candy, chocolate and coffee
5. invinsibily cloak
6. auto-organiser

okay.. so 5 and 6 sounds unreasonable... but.... that's why this is called a wish list?

2008-03-30T23:59:00.003+08:00

if only people knew...
what is hidden behind the mask of happiness and nonchalance...
the perennial smile and outgoing confidence...
they'd be shocked beyond belief

2008-03-28T21:40:00.000+08:00

what my dob says about me.. according to dunno which app in facebook:

You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability. This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. If you try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever. Your Love, You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before seeing any progress in love.

this is like.. err........ errr... err!!! LMAO!

I wish.

2008-03-28T17:37:00.002+08:00

I wish.. I were spiderman

Then, when people drive me up the wall, I can just scale the wall and not get squashed.

********

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you feel like you're about to burst into a gazillion pieces?

This week has been a really bad week. Worked hard, and yet, nothing to show. Sigh..

2008-03-23T22:24:00.002+08:00

another weekend gone... spent alternating between jabbing the keyboard to kill mobs.. and lying awake in bed, wanting to sleep, but just hurting too much to fall asleep. haizz.....

and now it's sunday night. upped like 20 lvls over the weekend, slept less than i should, despite the long weekend (no, it's not because of the gaming)

is it a wasted weekend, or one fruitful one? where the mind's totally shut off from school work, well, almost totally.. too late for regrets

i can only hope.. the coming week will be so much better then those just past - those haven been just so nightmarish

2008-03-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

sometimes....

you're the bug... and life's the windshield

sigh....